Tag Archives: men

Dominance and Intimidating Masculine Types

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Society does not always respond very well to dominant women. We are often seen as rude, bossy, unnatural, or a challenge to be put back in our “rightful place”. I loved being in a military cadet program in high school because it was the one place where my dominant side was applauded and nurtured instead of squashed. But even there, I was still usually under the authority of men who outranked me.

When I became more dominant and confident in my opinions and attitudes, people from my religious past called me hateful, rude, and inappropriate. We were raised to be sweet and accommodating, and to only ruffle feathers when we were promoting the church’s ideas (which were usually decided by men). Basically the message we got was “don’t think for yourself, just channel your passion into roles that WE set out for you.” One man told me that I could disagree with him but only if my opinions didn’t contradict scripture. And who decided what contradicted scripture? We both knew he felt that was his job.

I eventually called bullshit. Ohmigod how horrible, a woman who thinks for herself and won’t do as she’s told! (gasp) THE WORLD IS ENDING! GRAB YOUR DICKS, THE DOMINANT WOMEN ARE COMING TO DESTROY YOUR MASCULINITY!

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Being a dominant woman means my dating pool has shrunk greatly. Many mainstream men are intimidated by me now, and not in a submissive way but more of a “your dominance makes me insecure in my masculinity so the problem must be with you!” kind of way, and that’s not a good fit for anyone in a relationship. And many of the men who are interested in my dominance are interested in it as a fetish, because of what they want from me sexually or emotionally. That’s fine in some contexts, such as my pro domme work, but it’s not really what I want in a loving dating relationship. I’m a person with needs and desires of my own, not just a kink goddess that will service their fetishes.

Not only must I look for emotional maturity, reliability and good chemistry, but now I must also look for partners who are not turned off by the fact that I may be more dominant as a femme than they are as a masculine type. Instead of letting a man always lead and teach like I was raised, I’m not afraid to jump in and take the reigns myself. Not everyone is cool with that.

Fortunately in the kink community there are many awesome masculine types who love my dominance without overly focusing on it as a fetish. It’s one of the many reasons why I don’t bother with vanilla dating anymore; it would take so much work to become compatible with a vanilla guy that it doesn’t seem worthwhile for me in most cases.

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As with most of my writings, this may easily apply to people of other genders not mentioned here.

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Men, you are goddamn sexy.

A man doesn’t need washboard abs or a huge monster cock to turn me on. Some of my best sexual experiences have been with men that society wouldn’t deem particularly attractive, but they were sexier and better in bed than the model-type men I’d fucked before them. I’ve noticed that some guys rely on their stereotypical good looks to get partners, but they then get lazy in other ways…

I like hands. Strong, skillful, practiced hands. I know what those hands can do to me, and it makes me drool inside to think about it. Wiggling those fingers with that knowing, impish look on their face… oh baby. Do it again. panties start gushing

I like faces. Not stereotypical model faces, but faces I’m familiar with and have grown to trust and develop feelings for. I like seeing a familiar man’s face break out into a smile when I do something funny or cute. I like catching them staring at me in an adoring way when I act weird; it makes me feel good to see that they like my oddball personality instead of being turned off by it. Feeling liked just as I am makes me more confident around them, and that makes me more comfortable opening up my sexual side to them.

Eye contact is sexy as hell. Guys and masculine types, never underestimate the seductive power of a long, intimate staring contest. Or a Domly “You’re mine” stare combined with a possessive growl. You can bring someone to their knees not with your abs, but with your eyes and commanding presence. And if you’re submissive, eye contact shows your trust and affection for the person you’ve given yourself to that evening.

Legs. Women aren’t the only ones who have sexy legs that make people drool. A man with strong legs is a man who can most likely fuck me the way I want to be fucked- hard and violently. (Hehe.) Or, his legs can withstand the torture that I may wish to inflict upon him in my little dungeon.

Strong arms means a man can wrestle me into submission. Or at the very least he’ll put up a fight before I tie him down and shove large toys in his ass.

But one thing that many masculine types don’t realize is how sexy they can be regardless of their physical appearance or abilities. Being given emotional support is precious to me. Emotional maturity in a guy turns me on. Sure, physical attraction is an important part of overall sexual attraction, but looks alone don’t make for good sex or a good relationship. I’ve met men that I initially thought were hot, but after a brief conversation I was so turned off by their awful attitudes and willful ignorance that the idea of being physical with them was revolting.

As a primarily femme type who was raised as a woman, I tend to focus a lot on femme body image issues and self confidence and that’s good. But it’s also really important for us to talk about how amazing masculine types are even when they feel they don’t look good enough. The media also puts unfair pressure on men to look perfect, and these unrealistic social standards are just as messed up for men as they are for women (and other genders).

Men, if a woman says they think you are sexy, believe that she means it. Just like you can genuinely like how a girl looks even when she feels ugly, the same is true for you. You don’t have to look like a Calvin Klein model to turn someone into a raging sex freak in your bedroom. It’s far more important to be a decent human being and exploit what you’ve got in a way that your partner loves. Many women actually prefer men that don’t look like models because they tend to be far more attentive to their needs and desires in the bedroom.

So carry on, my sexy men. I will drool over your sexiness even if you don’t believe it’s there.

Note: I do not have personal experiences with gay relationships, so this note is rather hetero-based. But like most of my writings, these ideas can easily apply to people of many gender combinations; I just tend to write about my own experiences.

Sometimes Dommes Want to Submit Too.

I’ve noticed that people (mostly men) seem to respect me more now that I present myself as a domme and not as a switch. As a switch, I would get messages from (again mostly men) latching onto that one tiny mention of my potential submission. That, to them, seemed to be an indicator of ‘weakness’ that they could exploit. But now that I present myself as a domme, there is no wiggle-room in there for most men to try to take advantage of me anymore. And as a domme, a bitchy reply is almost expected, so I feel more confident being blunt when they are acting inappropriately or asking me for sexual attention or discussion that I have no desire to give them. And unsolicited advice about my appearance or interests? They don’t stand a chance anymore. What would be deemed rude from a submissive is expected from a domme.

But, I still crave submission. Not to random people, but with people I know and trust. It’s something I don’t do much of anymore, but it’s always in my fantasies.

Submitting as a domme is not easy. Not only do I have to find people that I am comfortable enough to submit to, but they have to be on what I would consider equal standing with me as a dominant. I can’t submit to someone if I feel that they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not a judgment about their abilities or lack of experience, but a matter of comfort and ability to let myself go. I know how much responsibility is involved for tops, especially when a power dynamic is involved, so giving that control away to someone else is extremely hard for me now. And even if I do trust them, I then must have the right chemistry with them as a person and with their play style.

Finding a dominant as a domme is difficult to say the least. But, I no longer feel that I need to be actively submissive to be fulfilled as a person. I will always be looking for it on some level, and I’ll always fantasize about it, but I’d rather be patient and wait for the right situation than try to force a connection just to ‘scratch an itch’.

In the meantime, I’ll practice my skills on the other end of the dominance spectrum, and occasionally let very close friends top me. Therapy paddling is fun now and then.

Why I don’t coddle strange men’s feelings anymore.

emotions-371238_1920I used to feel bad about being bitchy or blunt with unknown men who message me online. I’d try to explain what they did wrong so they wouldn’t ruin their chances with other women. After all, I used to think, if nobody ever tells them what they’re doing wrong, how will they ever learn? Shouldn’t some woman somewhere explain to them that acting like a douche or being lazy in the early stages will not get them laid or help them find their soulmate?

But here’s the thing- I’m not their mother. It’s not my job to teach all these men how to treat women (and others) with respect, and how to not come off as an entitled creep or lazy spammer. I’ve been around enough decent men to know that men (and people of other genders) are more than capable of figuring this out if they put in the effort to learn. It’s my job to educate MYSELF into a good potential partner. That’s it. It’s THEIR job to seek out information on how to be a good potential partner to ME. And asking me to teach them how does not count.

It’s also not my job to coddle their feelings when they are making me feel uncomfortable or are wasting my time. I cannot be responsible for their emotional well-being. Once a guy told me that he was suicidal and made me feel very guilty about turning him down. Why is this my fault? I’m sorry that many men are dealing with mental health stuff, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to use that as a guilt trip to get what they want. I have mental health issues too, but it would be wrong of me to use that to manipulate someone into being with me. I shouldn’t say unnecessarily damaging things to exacerbate their emotional issues (such as body shaming them) but otherwise their emotional responses to my blunt rejection are their own responsibility.

You guys might wonder why this is even a thing I’d want to write about, but I don’t think you understand how much pressure us femme types are under to make sure we don’t come off as “rude” or “ungrateful” to these men. These men expect us to consider meeting their needs whether it’s for sex, a relationship, kinky photos, conversation, and so on. If we won’t even “give them a chance” then we are somehow in the wrong and are responsible for making them feel bad. This can lead to angry rants or sullen silence at the least, but it can easily progress to threats, stalking, or even physical violence in some cases.

So to any guys who think I’m a bitch or a cunt because I didn’t respond the way you wanted- please grow up. And I don’t mean that sarcastically. Seriously, start working on your personal growth and stop blaming us for not being interested in you when you’re clearly not ready to meet our needs in a healthy relationship.

Rant over.

Double Standards for Trusting Men and Women? Yes. I’m Allowed.

It frustrates me that women are often chided for being less trusting of men. We’re told “not all men are like that! Why are you so closed off to men? Why do you ignore messages from male strangers but not female strangers? Why would you consider playing with a female you met online but not a man?”

Because countless men have proven themselves to be threatening to me, and women have not.

If someone gets bitten by a dog, no one is surprised if they are a bit more wary of other dogs afterwards. If you’re bitten by multiple dogs, the fear is even more understandable. But this is what it’s like to be a woman:

We grow up around dogs that like to chase us, even when we are very young. Sometimes it’s just playful, but often it’s scary even if they don’t actually bite us because they are bigger and stronger. Then at some point we do get bit- sometimes very badly, sometimes more than once. We start to become more wary of dogs in general. We notice every time that one of them looks at us with an aggressive snarl, or follows us down the street. We hear every time they bark at us in a non-friendly way; and they do it a lot. After a while, we learn that even the nicest looking dogs can become very mean if you don’t give them what they want. A year ago I was chased by a very large black dog that was aggressive and territorial. That was a first for me. I’m not generally scared of dogs, I love dogs, but after that I learned to be less trusting around dogs I don’t know.

Fear grows- a fear founded in tragic reality. We start viewing most dogs with suspicion and even fear until we know for sure that they are safe. Then our friend gets a new dog and is annoyed when we are wary of him. “What’s wrong with you? Not all dogs are bad! You’re being paranoid and judgmental. You don’t even know this dog yet. He’s so nice.”

(Note: This is not meant to demean men by comparing them to dogs. It’s just the best analogy I could think of that most people can relate to.)

We are judged for not trusting men, even though we have learned that so many of them cannot be trusted and we can’t always tell which ones are which. We are called bitches or cunts when we refuse a man’s advances, and we are also judged for being snappy and “rude” when we call out yet another man who assumes he has a right to our body, our attention, or our trust and comfort. Why do I snap at men who are pushy or act entitled? It’s equal parts pent-up frustration and self-preservation. If I don’t put them in their place, I have learned that they will not leave me alone. And if they comment publicly and I don’t call them out publicly, then other men learn that it’s ok to treat me that way too.

But when a woman says no or is blunt, she is labeled rude or a bitch. We are supposed to be sweet and accommodating to any man’s desires, whether we want it or not. If we must turn him down, we are expected to do it in such a way that we don’t bruise his ego. “I can’t do that for you, I’m dating someone else.” Or, “I’m not playing with anyone right now, it’s not just you.” Or, “You’re a nice guy but I’ve got too much going on in my personal life right now.” While these things may often be true, sometimes they’re not but we feel pressured to say them anyways. To tell a man no because we don’t like him or don’t trust him can result in a verbal tirade or guilt trips or, in some in-person cases, even violence. We are expected to take the blame for their desired interaction not working out so they don’t have to feel personally rejected. Many men do not handle personal rejection very well, and we often bear the brunt of their displeasure.

Most good men never see the extent of what we deal with because these asshole men often don’t act this way when we have male friends or partners with us. They respect other men and see us as your “property”, so they usually leave us alone when we’re with you. This is why I’ll wear more revealing clothing if I’m with a group of friends, but I wear leggings under my mini skirt and cover up my cleavage when I’m alone at night or in sketchier parts of town. This is not done out of modesty, but out of concern for my safety and to avoid unwanted attention.

This is also why many women will wear a fake wedding ring or say they have a boyfriend- often the easiest way to get a man to stop making unwanted advances is to say that we already “belong” to another man. They won’t respect us, but they don’t want to deal with another man. The man who assaulted me wouldn’t stop texting me afterwards, wanting to do it again. I was too scared to tell him I didn’t have a good time, he knew where I lived and I was in a very rural area alone most nights, so I felt safest telling him that I’d started dating someone and wasn’t looking for casual sex anymore. But even that didn’t stop him indefinitely. I blocked him and made a new OkCupid profile, but he found it a month after and assumed I was no longer dating the guy, and he texted me again. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I got rude with him, and I only felt safe doing that because I was moving to Vancouver and he didn’t know where I’d be living. I literally had to move to another country and change my phone number before I felt safe from him.

The men in my life also didn’t see the creepy advances I received online from middle aged men when I was barely 14, or the way older guys looked at me when I was even younger. We are prey to them- and not in a fun BDSM primal play kind of way. They want to possess us whether we’re willing or not, whether we’re adults or children. Women learn to watch for dangerous men from a very early age.

I love men, don’t get me wrong. I trust certain men very deeply. There are countless wonderful men who are unfortunately negatively impacted by the actions of other unscrupulous men. But I can’t help how I’ve been treated, or how society currently treats women. Good men and mistreated women are both affected by this patriarchal rape culture fuckery. If you’re a good man, you’ll have a lot of extra hurdles to overcome when seeking a woman. It’s not your fault how women are treated by other men, but please don’t blame us for how we have learned to protect ourselves. As frustrating as this is for you, it’s far worse for us. I don’t like being mistrusting of people, but I also have to be safe. For me to trust you, I have to see that you are safe. A random message on the internet or a brief conversation in person doesn’t even come close to proving that you are a good guy and not a bad guy.

Why Your Dick Profile Pics Are a Turn-off.

I’ve seen a lot of dicks. I’ve fucked a lot of dicks. And while I do love to play with a nice hard-on, I’m not really interested in looking at a stranger’s penis unless I’m attracted to them or it’s being used to fuck someone and I get to watch (yay porn!) I’m much more interested in actually having a cock “handy” to do things with- and unless you’ve sufficiently earned my trust and comfort, that ain’t gonna happen.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dick pics. I like it when a guy (or anyone else with a penis) is confident enough to have a photo or two of their junk among their other naughty pictures photos. It’s certainly not necessary, but they can be very sexy if it’s someone I am interested in. Even if I’m not personally attracted to the person, I don’t care if those pictures are in their photo section. It’s just bodies, after all.

But I don’t like it when they’re a profile photo because then it’s the first thing I see when a new person messages me. When a random stranger messages me with their dick pic in my face, my usual mental response is probably the exact opposite what most of these men are hoping for. Why?

There’s a lot to be said for leaving a little mystery.

Leave those shots in your photo album where I can browse for them if I find you interesting enough to want to see more. Don’t make it the first thing I see when I open your message; let me look for it if I’m feeling the chemistry. Trust me, if a girl is really into you and you have a dick pic among your photos, she will look at it and probably fantasize about you fucking her with it.

A dick must come with a person who is at least somewhat attractive to me.

Otherwise what am I fantasizing about? It’s rather ridiculous how many dick pics have no body or face pics to go with them. I’m not going to fantasize about a floating penis penetrating my vagina. I have my dildo for that. At least my dildo vibrates.

What if you do have other photos of yourself and I’m just not attracted to you? That is a risk you take, but it’s the same risk you take when you try to seduce someone in person- if the rest of you isn’t creating the right chemistry, then what you’ve got in your pants is not of interest to me either.

Unless the person you’re messaging is interested in sexting with strangers that they wouldn’t fuck in person, you’re not going to change this situation just because you’re messaging them online.

A lone dick doth not good sex make.

A dick by itself is not very impressive for me, regardless of size. Good PIV sex requires a LOT more than just a hard cock- seductive kissing, foreplay, using your hands, trust, the right chemistry… without all that, your penis isn’t any better than my dildo. A random photo of your penis tells me nothing about what you can do with it. It’s what you can do with it that releases the floodgates in my panties… or makes me drier than the Sahara.

Dick pics are often lacking in photo attractiveness.

Think of the lighting, the angles, the pixel quality! If you want your dick to look good, then at least take a decent photo of it.

In Conclusion:

A cock’s proper place is in my pussy, making me squeal and act like a whore while you fuck me in all the right ways. It should be shooting cum in me so it drips out while I’m lying on the bed gasping for breath after a mind blowing orgasm. THEN I will be drooling over those dick photos as I masturbate later.

If you’re a random guy on the internet, what I just described ain’t gonna happen for you. I don’t play with strangers, and talking online does not negate your stranger status. Come to events and get to know me as a friend, and if the connection is right MAYBE we can talk about your dick in my pussy. But it’s not likely because I’m a very selective slut, so don’t show up with expectations and then get upset if my pussy gates are not opened to you. I’m a genie in a bottle, you must rub me the right way. Throwing your dick at me does not count.

So put away your dick profile pics. You want me to want to drool over your dick? Then make me want you first. If I want you, then your cock will be like gold for me. If I don’t want you, then I couldn’t care less about what’s in your pants because you’ll never get near enough to fuck me with it.

End rant.

Note: This is not intended to be judgmental to anyone on my friends list who may choose to have a dick profile pic. This note was inspired by the many messages I get from random men online who seem to think that messaging me with their penises in my face will make me less likely to immediately delete their messages. These general concepts may or may not apply to people of other gender combinations too; this is just my rant based on my personal experiences and irritations, which in this case involves men with penises.