Tag Archives: kink

The Connections Between Fundamentalist Religion and BDSM

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/Submission, Masochism) is a spectrum of interests that range from simple things like blindfolds and feather ticklers to whips, chains, blood, and screams of delighted suffering. It’s highly stigmatized and misunderstood in our culture, which I think is unfair. BDSM is no more violent than the things described in Scripture, and in fact Scripture is sometimes the inspiration for them.

As a former missionary and pastor who went to Bible college, deconverted from fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity, and is now a professional Dominatrix and full-time BDSM practitioner, I am in a unique position to comment on this topic. I’ll probably write a book on this someday… but for now, here are a few of my observations.

Quick things to know about BDSM:

50 Shades of Grey is NOT a good example of BDSM. Christian Grey is abusive and a stalker, not a responsible Dominant.

BDSM is sometimes sexual, but often it is not. Platonic friends will often play together and many types of play have nothing to do with sex.

My favorite BDSM acronym is PRICK: Personally Responsible Informed Consensual Kink. Others include RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink, and SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This sums up BDSM attitudes on consent quite well. It is core to everything that we do.

The Bible discusses sexual slavery at great length. Women are property, owned or ruled by men, always submissive to male power and authority. Women had no say over their own bodies, and they were the property of their fathers until a husband or slave master took over control. “Wives, obey your husbands.”

In BDSM, sexual slavery is often a theme. But unlike the fundamentalist version of this, in BDSM the focus is on everyone’s consent, pleasure, and willingness to be involved, and all genders participate in whatever role they enjoy most. Unlike in the Bible, where women who broke sexual laws were stoned or forced to marry their rapist, and where sexual submission was compulsory, in BDSM all a woman has to say is her Safe Word and it all stops. She has control of what she allows to be done to her; even a Dominant man who is her master is limited by the control she gives him. No one can have sex with her or hit her unless she allows it. No one can put a submissive collar on her unless she consents, and she can remove it if she feels it is no longer a safe, healthy, or pleasurable relationship.

Nowhere in the Bible is a woman’s bodily autonomy expressly protected. She is always property with no say in her life, and no one cares about her consent. In BDSM, bodily autonomy and consent is core to everything that we do. It is what separates our play from abuse.

Violence is a key part of the Bible. Growing up I read the Bible through a couple dozen times, easily, and I studied it further in Bible college. I know far too well all the stories of violence, rape, forced marriage, child marriage, genocide, war, mass drowning of women and children, and murder. Most of it was justified because either God allegedly did it or commanded it to be done, so I had to learn how to accept much of this violence in my mind. Now as an adult who is not religious, that violence ingrained in my mind needs a healthy outlet. BDSM allows me a healthy, consensual outlet for my inner violent side which was encouraged by all the violence I studied in Scripture.

Control is also a huge theme in the Bible. There are rules, laws, and restrictions on almost every part of life. And, there are severe punishments for not following the rules (social punishments, banishment, execution, Hell, etc.) So, being trained to follow strict rules was something I was taught from an early age. Is it any surprise now that I enjoy intense BDSM relationships where I give over control to someone else, and obey their commands? I was groomed to do exactly that. Except I’m not ashamed anymore for saying “no” to things I’m not ok with. That is NOT something the Bible taught me.

Corporal punishment! “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” The Bible encourages spanking disobedient children. I was spanked as a child and so were many of my kinky friends. Is it any surprise that as an adult I enjoy being spanked and ordered around in the bedroom too? The difference now is that it’s consensual and pleasurable for me. I am only spanked or ordered around if I consent to that kind of play, and I only play with people I trust to respect my personal boundaries and stop when I’ve had enough.

Pain. Masochists are people who gain pleasure or fulfillment from experiencing pain. I like to compare it to runners who like the “Runner’s High” that they get when they push themselves physically; endorphins are released that feel good. In fundamentalist Christianity, especially back in the Dark Ages and Medieval times, it was not uncommon for some religious fundamentalists to beat themselves, starve themselves in extended fasting, and otherwise cause discomfort and pain to themselves. This was believed to bring them closer to God somehow and people do this even to this day, as I know from personal experience in my religious days. I read about these extremist people growing up, and sometimes they were portrayed as heroes for me to emulate. Is it any wonder that I am not afraid to experience pain now and even find positives in it? Fundamentalism taught me that it’s ok to like pain if it’s in service to God or in punishment of wrongdoing. Why isn’t it ok to enjoy consensual pain because it brings me and my partner pleasure, or because it “gets me out of my head” for a while and I can relax?

The biggest differences that I have experienced between religious fundamentalism and BDSM are freedom, consent, and bodily autonomy. Instead of trying to force myself into a box I didn’t fit into, now I am in a world where I control my own life even when I am playing a submissive role. If I don’t like what’s happening and feel scared or misused, I can say no and make it stop. I couldn’t do that with religion. There was no Safe Word to end the terror of Hell. I had no authority over my own life, I had to obey and follow men or God in all things even if I disagreed. A “woman’s place” is now whatever I decide it is.

Advertisements

Gossip vs Vetting and Other Necessary Communication 

When does talking about somebody else cease to be necessary or helpful and become gossip?

In our community, vetting is an essential part of our community safety. If we don’t share some relevant information with each other, that can potentially put others at risk for being harmed or manipulated. But where do we draw the line? I think there are some criteria to consider.

  • Would the lack of this information potentially cause harm or distress to the person you’re talking to? 
  • Are they directly involved in the situation that’s being discussed? Are you directly involved? 
  • Are they trying to ascertain someone’s safety or trustworthiness, or what the person’s community reputation is, and you have firsthand or other reliable knowledge that would help them make a more accurate decision? 
  • Is the purpose of the conversation to help someone be informed about things that could directly affect them, or is the goal to unfairly discredit or belittle someone for the speaker’s own personal agenda? 
  • Is the person upset because someone else has harmed or distressed them, and they are trying to process what happened by talking to a trusted friend? 

I think the answers to these questions aren’t always going to be black and white, but I think they may be a good place to start. I think motive and relevance has a lot to do with what makes something gossip versus necessary communication, but it’s sometimes very difficult to judge these motives in others or even in ourselves.  

Human communication is pretty screwed up at the best of times. Add in BDSM and LGBTQ issues, mental health complications, emotional responses, past abuse and triggers, and it gets really hard to navigate communication issues. 

I think what’s important is to actively try to make our communication methods as helpful and ethical as possible. But, it’s important to note that we are almost certain to disagree with others on what is helpful and ethical and what is not. I think giving each other the benefit of the doubt, while also standing up for ourselves and others when needed, is important too. 

I welcome respectful dialogue on this. I’m trying to improve my own communication methods and this topic is something I’d like to be better educated on. What do you think makes something unhelpful and gossip? What kind of shared information is ethical and necessary given the risks and intensity of BDSM involvement? 

Men, you are goddamn sexy.

A man doesn’t need washboard abs or a huge monster cock to turn me on. Some of my best sexual experiences have been with men that society wouldn’t deem particularly attractive, but they were sexier and better in bed than the model-type men I’d fucked before them. I’ve noticed that some guys rely on their stereotypical good looks to get partners, but they then get lazy in other ways…

I like hands. Strong, skillful, practiced hands. I know what those hands can do to me, and it makes me drool inside to think about it. Wiggling those fingers with that knowing, impish look on their face… oh baby. Do it again. panties start gushing

I like faces. Not stereotypical model faces, but faces I’m familiar with and have grown to trust and develop feelings for. I like seeing a familiar man’s face break out into a smile when I do something funny or cute. I like catching them staring at me in an adoring way when I act weird; it makes me feel good to see that they like my oddball personality instead of being turned off by it. Feeling liked just as I am makes me more confident around them, and that makes me more comfortable opening up my sexual side to them.

Eye contact is sexy as hell. Guys and masculine types, never underestimate the seductive power of a long, intimate staring contest. Or a Domly “You’re mine” stare combined with a possessive growl. You can bring someone to their knees not with your abs, but with your eyes and commanding presence. And if you’re submissive, eye contact shows your trust and affection for the person you’ve given yourself to that evening.

Legs. Women aren’t the only ones who have sexy legs that make people drool. A man with strong legs is a man who can most likely fuck me the way I want to be fucked- hard and violently. (Hehe.) Or, his legs can withstand the torture that I may wish to inflict upon him in my little dungeon.

Strong arms means a man can wrestle me into submission. Or at the very least he’ll put up a fight before I tie him down and shove large toys in his ass.

But one thing that many masculine types don’t realize is how sexy they can be regardless of their physical appearance or abilities. Being given emotional support is precious to me. Emotional maturity in a guy turns me on. Sure, physical attraction is an important part of overall sexual attraction, but looks alone don’t make for good sex or a good relationship. I’ve met men that I initially thought were hot, but after a brief conversation I was so turned off by their awful attitudes and willful ignorance that the idea of being physical with them was revolting.

As a primarily femme type who was raised as a woman, I tend to focus a lot on femme body image issues and self confidence and that’s good. But it’s also really important for us to talk about how amazing masculine types are even when they feel they don’t look good enough. The media also puts unfair pressure on men to look perfect, and these unrealistic social standards are just as messed up for men as they are for women (and other genders).

Men, if a woman says they think you are sexy, believe that she means it. Just like you can genuinely like how a girl looks even when she feels ugly, the same is true for you. You don’t have to look like a Calvin Klein model to turn someone into a raging sex freak in your bedroom. It’s far more important to be a decent human being and exploit what you’ve got in a way that your partner loves. Many women actually prefer men that don’t look like models because they tend to be far more attentive to their needs and desires in the bedroom.

So carry on, my sexy men. I will drool over your sexiness even if you don’t believe it’s there.

Note: I do not have personal experiences with gay relationships, so this note is rather hetero-based. But like most of my writings, these ideas can easily apply to people of many gender combinations; I just tend to write about my own experiences.

Punishing a Sissy Bitch

He sat on the ground in front of me, naked, his head bowed in submission. His hands and feet were shackled in leather cuffs, and a dog chain hung from his leather collar. His cock was dripping in anticipation of the torture yet to come.

“May I worship your feet, Mistress Laura? You have such beautiful feet.”

I smiled and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. “Only if you beg for it, my little bitch. And not until I’ve thoroughly punished you first. Foot worship must be earned.”

I pulled him up to a standing position, directing him to lean over a chair so his ass was in full view. I made him wait while I took my time selecting my instruments of torture, finally settling on a thin wooden paddle with a nasty sting.

“Are you going to be a good slut for me today?” Whack “Because I have lots of punishments lined up for you if you aren’t.” Whack “I can do this all day if I feel that your attitude needs more adjusting.” Whack

“Mistress Laura I’ll be a good slut for you. I live to please you. I want to OW! please you with my OW! pain. Please use me as OW! your OW! toy.” He yelped again as I grabbed his balls and squeezed hard.

“On a scale of one to ten, how much pain was that one, my little slut?”

His legs were shaking, but he managed to squeak out an answer. “It’s about a 9, Mistress Laura. I love it when you hurt me.”

I giggled sadistically. “Oh good! You’re going to love my next toy, then. It’s extra stingy.” He looked scared and excited all at once; my favorite response.

I walked over to my wall of toys and selected a silicone paddle. “This one stings like a motherfucker. Nasty little whores get the extra hurty ones. Tell me how much you want me to beat you with this.” I leaned over him, brushing my corset over his bare back and letting the paddle sit on his left butt cheek. “Oh please Mistress Laura I want to try the paddle OWWW!”

I smiled maliciously. “Oh, that was delicious. Shall I hit you again?” Whack “Yes ple-OW!” Whack whack whack whack

After a few more beatings, I pulled out one of my favourite toys- a long strip of white elastic designed for sewing into waistbands. I love it because I can wrap it around almost any body part and snap it as hard as I want. It’s like a huge rubber band, but much more versatile. “I think it’s time for my little bitch to get some lovely red welts. Don’t you agree?” He nodded as I stuffed a ball gag in his mouth. I wrapped the elastic around his thigh, holding the two ends in my left hand and snapping it hard with my right. He squirmed and yelped as I snapped it, leaving red welts in a horizontal pattern. “Had enough yet, slut?” He shook his head. I laughed and switched to his other thigh, this time focusing on the tender inner parts. His balls had been neglected too long so I gave those a few more squeezes too, causing his legs to shake and shudder again with pain.

Then I removed his gag and pulled out my other favourite toy- a slingshot and gummy candies. I instructed him to stand on the other side of the room with his hands on a piece of furniture. “Ready to be my target practice, bitch?” He nodded excitedly. “Yes Mistress Laura, I want to be your target practice so bad! Please shoot me with your slingshot!” Pulling back the slingshot with a gummy bear inside, I yelled “Fire in the hold!” I watched his butt cheek jiggle as the gummy candy hit it. It was very amusing, so I shot another one at his other cheek. “This is so much fun! I’m going to try a few more and give you some polka dots.” Red spots started to appear where the gummies had hit.

Once my arm was tired out from all the beatings and target practice, I let out a big sigh of satisfaction and sat down on my chair, instructing him to kneel in front of me. I stroked his hair and smiled. “Now you may worship my feet, my little sissy bitch. You’ve earned it.”

(This is a story based on my many real sessions with awesome Pro Domme clients. Not based on any client in particular.)

Why I Love Anal Training

There’s just something about shoving large toys in a big guy’s ass that’s so much fun. It’s also fun with people of other genders too, but I particularly like doing it with cis men. I think anal training and CBT with cis men is becoming a fetish for me.

00053cba-aa8a-2ab3-3527-df411746ad29_720

It makes me feel powerful.

I’ve had countless negative experiences with cis men who have pushed or broken my boundaries, or generally made me feel uncomfortable around them. Being in a position of power over them, and doing something to them that makes them so incredibly vulnerable with me, is really fun. I call the shots; I control their pleasure or lack thereof. I still enjoy this power dynamic with people of other genders, but it’s especially meaningful for me when dealing with cis men. It’s like I’m regaining my confidence and learning to stand my ground against the very demographic that has caused me the most fear and self-doubt. Shoving things up their ass while squeezing their balls and calling them a sissy bitch is rather therapeutic, in a twisted maniacal way. ; )

I like kinky science experiments.

And what could be more interesting that testing someone’s limits with what they can take up their ass? Especially men that usually like to call the shots and be in control? I’ll be the scientist today… you can be my guinea pig. Hehehehe.

I like strap-ons.

Seriously, what’s hotter than a petite femme getting to wear a massive silicone dick and mercilessly pound a tough guy’s butt with it? Not much.

It gives me an opportunity to practice being a good domme.

Doing anal play with someone who has a ‘virgin’ asshole is a big responsibility. I have to not only concern myself with consent and safety issues, and potential cleaning issues, but I must also make sure that I take things slow enough so they have a good time and don’t get hurt in ways they don’t want. I do want to push them out of their comfort zones, but only as far as they’ve agreed to go. Watching body language and listening for barely-audible safewords is vital, as is checking in with them after the scene to make sure they are ok with the pace and intensity that was used. Anal play is not just about the domme’s power lust, as much as I enjoy that part. It’s more important to ensure that the bottom (pun intended) also has a good time, and above all that their consent is respected at all times. Doing intense anal training forces me to stay on top of these things so I’m always prepared to be a safe, consent-minded play partner.

Can you handle this dick? I doubt it.

00053cba-ac61-abe5-54c7-6f3800d19381_720

Sometimes Dommes Want to Submit Too.

I’ve noticed that people (mostly men) seem to respect me more now that I present myself as a domme and not as a switch. As a switch, I would get messages from (again mostly men) latching onto that one tiny mention of my potential submission. That, to them, seemed to be an indicator of ‘weakness’ that they could exploit. But now that I present myself as a domme, there is no wiggle-room in there for most men to try to take advantage of me anymore. And as a domme, a bitchy reply is almost expected, so I feel more confident being blunt when they are acting inappropriately or asking me for sexual attention or discussion that I have no desire to give them. And unsolicited advice about my appearance or interests? They don’t stand a chance anymore. What would be deemed rude from a submissive is expected from a domme.

But, I still crave submission. Not to random people, but with people I know and trust. It’s something I don’t do much of anymore, but it’s always in my fantasies.

Submitting as a domme is not easy. Not only do I have to find people that I am comfortable enough to submit to, but they have to be on what I would consider equal standing with me as a dominant. I can’t submit to someone if I feel that they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not a judgment about their abilities or lack of experience, but a matter of comfort and ability to let myself go. I know how much responsibility is involved for tops, especially when a power dynamic is involved, so giving that control away to someone else is extremely hard for me now. And even if I do trust them, I then must have the right chemistry with them as a person and with their play style.

Finding a dominant as a domme is difficult to say the least. But, I no longer feel that I need to be actively submissive to be fulfilled as a person. I will always be looking for it on some level, and I’ll always fantasize about it, but I’d rather be patient and wait for the right situation than try to force a connection just to ‘scratch an itch’.

In the meantime, I’ll practice my skills on the other end of the dominance spectrum, and occasionally let very close friends top me. Therapy paddling is fun now and then.

My Kink Bucket List

I may update this if I’m able to live out some of these fantasies or when I think of more kinky shit I want to do. Enjoy.

  • Be worshiped as a goddess by many subs at once, all on leashes, bowing at my feet begging for a beating. I may agree to beat one or two of them, if they beg hard enough and serve me well.
  • Have a line of subs lined up for me and other dommes to fuck their asses with strap-ons.
  • To have a blue and black stunt violin and bow specifically for my kink musical scenes.
  • To learn to dance like Lindsey Stirling, and then do an erotic kinky violin dance in fetish-wear.
  • Learn to dance, then choreograph a dance with a submissive showing kink power dynamics in a sensual, beautiful, artistic way.
  • Play violin while suspended upside down in rope or dangling from silk scarves.
  • I want a domme throne. A fucking massive chair with velvet and carved wood and all that fancy shit.
  • To wrestle with a primal wolf and win.
  • To be the consensual ‘victim’ of a gangbang where I’m treated as an object.
  • To be brutally ravished outside up against a tree late at night in a consensual-non-consent scenario.
  • Get a kink-themed tattoo.
  • A Star Wars themed dungeon complete with Lightsaber floggers and a Sith domme outfit. The Darth Vader theme song would play as my majestic domme highness entered the room to begin the beating.