We become like those we spend time with.

It’s an inevitable part of human nature to become like those around us. It’s easily noticeable for those who travel a lot; we tend to pick up on new accents and mannerisms without even realizing it. As humans we want to be accepted by other humans, so we subconsciously (or consciously) try to become more like them. This can be hilarious at times, such as when I catch myself imitating a Southern drawl with my dad’s relatives in Texas.

This imitation becomes a problem when the other people are exhibiting behaviors or attitudes that are not healthy for us to emulate. Although most of us can keep ourselves “on track” despite a few distractions, we are still very susceptible to the example of those around us. This is why racism, sexism, homophobia, and other negative attitudes are still so rampant: The people who hold these views tend to create their own “social bubbles” where they mostly associate with people who make them feel justified in their current attitudes. Or, at the very least, people who will not call them out on it.

But if we want to grow, then we have to get out of our comfort zones. We must pay more attention to what influences are affecting us the most, and make changes when necessary.

If you want to be a better Dominant, surround yourself with mature, experienced Doms who will be a good influence on your abilities.

If you want to be a Submissive with healthy communication habits, surround yourself with experienced Submissives who have these traits.

If you want to be better at polyamory, seek out people who are successful at managing multiple partners and metamours. Spending time with them will rub off on your own poly groups.

If you want to grow in emotional maturity, surround yourself with people who are more mature than you are, and don’t be too proud to let them lovingly point out areas that need improvement.

If you want to manage your mental health better, spend time with people who understand you and who will encourage you to develop healthy coping skills.
What often happens, though, is that we surround ourselves with people who are hindering our growth and then wonder why our lives are so chaotic and unhealthy. Instead of being influenced by people who will encourage us to better ourselves, many of us spend our time trying to win over people who do not really value us, or who don’t care about bettering themselves. Instead of becoming better, we start to lose momentum in our own growth because our closest influences are telling us that it’s ok to stop growing; it’s ok to give in to our unhealthy habits and negative attitudes. This stifles our personal growth and makes it much harder to increase our own emotional maturity.

So how do we balance all this? Obviously no one is perfect, and limiting our circle of friends to those who are “good enough” is not exactly a healthy thought either.

I think what’s important is that we are simply aware of how our closest influences are affecting us so we are not sacrificing our own growth or stability for their sake. I think it’s not so much about cutting “bad people out” as “bringing good people in”. The more emotionally healthy, mature people we have in our lives, the better equipped we will be to help those who maybe can’t be a good role model for us right now. These good influences can also help us recognize when we are being taken advantage of, when we’re being an idiot and need to be reigned in a little, or when we are overreacting or lashing out. It’s uncomfortable, but accountability from those we trust is important if we’re going to become better friends, partners, lovers, Dominants, Submissives, etc.

By building a close inner circle of people that will help us grow into our best self, we can then help others grow too.

“Missionary Dating”

This was a term I heard back in my religious days, describing a Christian who dated a non-Christian in the hopes that they could “save” the other person. These relationships rarely worked out very well, as you can imagine.

But the basic concept applies to any relationship. We can’t “save” anyone, especially partners. All we can do is stand by them while they fix themselves.

There is a danger to this, though. People always rub off on each other, but it’s easier to be influenced by bad behaviour and attitudes than by good behaviour and attitudes. In other words, if you have a toxic partner and a healthy partner, it’s usually the toxic person that influences the other person the most.

Think of it this way. If you’re standing on a chair and offer your hand to someone to help them up next to you, which is easier? Being pulled down off the chair, or pulling them up to where you are?

Getting people to change their toxic mindsets and actions is really, really hard. They have to want to change, and be ready to make the tough changes. It’s much easier to be pulled down by someone who isn’t good for us than to get them to not be toxic anymore.

I’m a caregiver. I want to help people. But over many years of watching dysfunctional relationships in a variety of social contexts, I’ve learned that unbalanced relationships with toxic people rarely end well. Healthy relationships require BOTH people to be healthy partners. Relationships aren’t 50/50, but 100/100. One person cannot bear the weight of an entire relationship for very long; it will fall apart and the once healthy person may not be so healthy anymore. Both people have to give their all, and be healthy enough to successfully navigate relationship pitfalls.

And when we’re talking poly this is even more crucial because now even more people are at risk from the toxic person’s influence and actions. Poly is only as healthy as the group’s weakest link. Choose your “links” very carefully.

(We don’t have to be perfect, and of course we need to help each other grow and there will be moments when we need to carry the entire load for them when life stuff happens, but this is different than being paired with someone who is toxic.)

When someone is toxic, they need to fix themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship. If we get too close while they’re still unhealthy for us, we will likely cut ourselves on their broken pieces and become a needless martyr. We may also unintentionally enable them to continue as they are, since they already “won” us and now have little motivation to change. We need to let them change on their own, and become capable of handling a healthy, mature relationship BEFORE we get closely involved with them.

Our job is to make ourselves as healthy and mature as we can as potential partners, and also to wisely choose who we get involved with so we do not hinder our own personal growth or that of our other poly partners and friends. Choose your partners wisely; they will always affect how effective your own personal growth is.

If You Want to be My Lover/Friend/Play Partner…

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship in recent years. I’ve made a lot of friends, and also lost some. I’m far less trusting of new people than I used to be, but I also have a much healthier circle of friends now than I ever have before. 

One thing I’ve learned is that I value loyalty- not just for my sake, but for the sake of the people I care about. 

I’m a deeply loyal person and I’ve been burned many times by investing in friendships without reciprocated loyalty. I would honour my promises to them, but they wouldn’t do the same. I would defend them to others, but they would talk badly about me behind my back. 

Over the years I’ve also watched people I care about be mistreated by others that I’d welcomed into my social circles. I’m a bit of a mamma kitty towards my loved ones… I get defensive towards people who hurt my ‘family’ and won’t take responsibility for it. I hurt when my family hurts, so people that hurt them are also hurting me. The joys of being an empath… 

I’m a rather intense person. I love hard and devote myself to my loved ones fiercely. I’m not comfortable opening up past a certain point to most people because I would get overwhelmed caring this deeply about everyone in my life. 

I want to be around people that will stick up for me just like I’ll stick up for them. But I also want to be around people who will be good to my friends, since they will almost certainly be affected by my new relationships/friendships too. Spice Girls got it right. 😛

Healthy Long Term Relationships

I’ve personally come to the conclusion that the best way to build successful long-term relationships of any kind is by having a solid friendship as the foundation. Nobody is going to feel romantic or sexual with their partner all the time, especially after years together or when life gets stressful. 

My ex husband and I were not very compatible romantically and life was hard, but we still enjoyed our years together because our friendship was solid as a rock. We could stand being happy around each other even when we were having marital issues. We stayed friends before, during, and after our separation. If we hadn’t been such good friends, I doubt our marriage would have lasted more than a few months. Instead, we shared years together where we grew and explored and learned from each other. Neither of us regretted it, even after it ended. We both agreed that it was our friendship that had made it so worthwhile. 

I don’t think I would want a long term relationship without a deep friendship. Otherwise what is there to hold onto when things get hard? What do we fall back on when dynamics change, health falters, people’s needs change, the romance dies down for a while, or we simply mess up? I believe it’s healthy friendships. 

People seem to think that the best kind of love comes in hot and heavy, in an explosion of overwhelming lust and mushy feelings. And there’s nothing wrong with that kind of love, it’s fun. It just tends to burn out rather quickly if there’s not enough substance underneath to sustain it after the ‘honeymoon period’. 

But I’ve observed that it’s the slow burn that often stays the longest; a fire that builds a deep bed of coals so hot that it would take days to completely cool even when the bright flames have simmered down to barely nothing. I’d rather have that slow but steady burn of intimacy and respect because it’s much more likely to last than the insatiable lust of the moment. (Plus, deep intimacy brings out the BEST SEX EVER.) 

I’m tired of heartbreak and conflict. I’d rather invest in friendships and relationships that have a good chance of being healthy and enjoyable for me and those closest to me. 

So if you want to be my friend/lover/play partner, here’s what’s important for you to know:

1. Don’t mistreat people I’m close to. It’s the quickest way to lose my trust and bring out my claws. I may be 98% angel, but that 2% demon is not to be messed with. 

2. If you mess up, ‘fess up and make changes. I expect mistakes because that’s how we all grow and learn, so it’s all about handling our mistakes responsibly and ethically. 

3. I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect reasonable effort and honesty from those who want me in their life. 

4. Keep your word. 

I hold myself to these same standards. I won’t ask for anything in relationships that I’m not willing to give myself.