Tag Archives: feminism

Don’t compliment me by putting down other girls.

Compliments that put down other women aren’t the kind that I want to receive.

“You’re not like other girls.” Why is this a good thing? Why are other girls so unworthy of your attention?

“You’re so much prettier than most other girls.” Are you saying they are all ugly? Why should I respect you for that comment?

“I don’t like basic girls, they’re so boring and bad in bed. You’re interesting.” Um…

“Most girls look bad in makeup and wear too much of it, but you make it look good.” Ahhh!!! No!!!

“I’m so glad you’re not like other girls that dress like a (insert “prude” or “immodest worldly woman” comment here).” How a woman dresses does not determine her self-respect, morality, or ability to be good in bed.

Why do we think that putting other girls down is a good way to build up someone else? It’s not, and yet people on both ends of the modesty/body exposure spectrum do it to us all the time. Either we are called prudes for covering up, or we are shamed for showing off our body when we finally overcome our body image issues enough to be proud of how we look.

All women have beauty. All women are worthy of love and respect, no matter what we wear or how pretty we are or how “basic” we are.

So if your compliments involve putting down other women to make your partner feel good, then may I suggest that perhaps there is a level of disrespect and judgment towards women in your mindset? And perhaps, just maybe, it’s ok to compliment the women in your life while still acknowledging the value of other women?

I’d like to hear compliments that DON’T involve comparison. Things like:

“You look so beautiful in that dress, I just want to look at you all day.”

“I love that you are just as beautiful whether you wear makeup or not.”

“I’m amazed by your compassion and intelligence.”

“Your commitment to personal growth is so admirable.”

“You worked really hard today. Thank you.”

“Damn girl, your ass is looking FINE today. I’d tap that. With your consent, of course.”

“I’m so glad that our personal values and interests are compatible. Thank you for being someone I can relate to and confide in.”

Do you see the difference? Instead of putting other girls down for not being like your girl, or for not being a good match for you, why not just focus on what makes her amazing to you personally?

Note: This also applies to other genders, not just women.

Advertisements

Why I don’t coddle strange men’s feelings anymore.

emotions-371238_1920I used to feel bad about being bitchy or blunt with unknown men who message me online. I’d try to explain what they did wrong so they wouldn’t ruin their chances with other women. After all, I used to think, if nobody ever tells them what they’re doing wrong, how will they ever learn? Shouldn’t some woman somewhere explain to them that acting like a douche or being lazy in the early stages will not get them laid or help them find their soulmate?

But here’s the thing- I’m not their mother. It’s not my job to teach all these men how to treat women (and others) with respect, and how to not come off as an entitled creep or lazy spammer. I’ve been around enough decent men to know that men (and people of other genders) are more than capable of figuring this out if they put in the effort to learn. It’s my job to educate MYSELF into a good potential partner. That’s it. It’s THEIR job to seek out information on how to be a good potential partner to ME. And asking me to teach them how does not count.

It’s also not my job to coddle their feelings when they are making me feel uncomfortable or are wasting my time. I cannot be responsible for their emotional well-being. Once a guy told me that he was suicidal and made me feel very guilty about turning him down. Why is this my fault? I’m sorry that many men are dealing with mental health stuff, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to use that as a guilt trip to get what they want. I have mental health issues too, but it would be wrong of me to use that to manipulate someone into being with me. I shouldn’t say unnecessarily damaging things to exacerbate their emotional issues (such as body shaming them) but otherwise their emotional responses to my blunt rejection are their own responsibility.

You guys might wonder why this is even a thing I’d want to write about, but I don’t think you understand how much pressure us femme types are under to make sure we don’t come off as “rude” or “ungrateful” to these men. These men expect us to consider meeting their needs whether it’s for sex, a relationship, kinky photos, conversation, and so on. If we won’t even “give them a chance” then we are somehow in the wrong and are responsible for making them feel bad. This can lead to angry rants or sullen silence at the least, but it can easily progress to threats, stalking, or even physical violence in some cases.

So to any guys who think I’m a bitch or a cunt because I didn’t respond the way you wanted- please grow up. And I don’t mean that sarcastically. Seriously, start working on your personal growth and stop blaming us for not being interested in you when you’re clearly not ready to meet our needs in a healthy relationship.

Rant over.

BDSM Communities Are Less Rapey Than the General Population

BDSM Communities Are Less Rapey Than the General Population

YES. This has been my overwhelming experience since I’ve become involved in BDSM. There is such a strong focus on safety and consent that it surprises me to watch mainstream dating practices and how rapey they so often are. I never hear consent talked about as much as I do in my BDSM circles, and it makes a big difference in how we interact with each other. I feel safer in a BDSM dungeon with whips and chains than I would at a mainstream dance club.

When we embrace sex and other parts of ourselves in a healthy, safe way that involves accountability, it leads to positive results. Pressuring people to hide their true natures often results in frustrated, unhealthy expressions of violence and assault. We need to talk about how to engage in sexual (and non-sexual) activities consensually and safely, without shaming people for it, and we also need to teach people that they can explore unconventional interests without assaulting others.

Double Standards for Trusting Men and Women? Yes. I’m Allowed.

It frustrates me that women are often chided for being less trusting of men. We’re told “not all men are like that! Why are you so closed off to men? Why do you ignore messages from male strangers but not female strangers? Why would you consider playing with a female you met online but not a man?”

Because countless men have proven themselves to be threatening to me, and women have not.

If someone gets bitten by a dog, no one is surprised if they are a bit more wary of other dogs afterwards. If you’re bitten by multiple dogs, the fear is even more understandable. But this is what it’s like to be a woman:

We grow up around dogs that like to chase us, even when we are very young. Sometimes it’s just playful, but often it’s scary even if they don’t actually bite us because they are bigger and stronger. Then at some point we do get bit- sometimes very badly, sometimes more than once. We start to become more wary of dogs in general. We notice every time that one of them looks at us with an aggressive snarl, or follows us down the street. We hear every time they bark at us in a non-friendly way; and they do it a lot. After a while, we learn that even the nicest looking dogs can become very mean if you don’t give them what they want. A year ago I was chased by a very large black dog that was aggressive and territorial. That was a first for me. I’m not generally scared of dogs, I love dogs, but after that I learned to be less trusting around dogs I don’t know.

Fear grows- a fear founded in tragic reality. We start viewing most dogs with suspicion and even fear until we know for sure that they are safe. Then our friend gets a new dog and is annoyed when we are wary of him. “What’s wrong with you? Not all dogs are bad! You’re being paranoid and judgmental. You don’t even know this dog yet. He’s so nice.”

(Note: This is not meant to demean men by comparing them to dogs. It’s just the best analogy I could think of that most people can relate to.)

We are judged for not trusting men, even though we have learned that so many of them cannot be trusted and we can’t always tell which ones are which. We are called bitches or cunts when we refuse a man’s advances, and we are also judged for being snappy and “rude” when we call out yet another man who assumes he has a right to our body, our attention, or our trust and comfort. Why do I snap at men who are pushy or act entitled? It’s equal parts pent-up frustration and self-preservation. If I don’t put them in their place, I have learned that they will not leave me alone. And if they comment publicly and I don’t call them out publicly, then other men learn that it’s ok to treat me that way too.

But when a woman says no or is blunt, she is labeled rude or a bitch. We are supposed to be sweet and accommodating to any man’s desires, whether we want it or not. If we must turn him down, we are expected to do it in such a way that we don’t bruise his ego. “I can’t do that for you, I’m dating someone else.” Or, “I’m not playing with anyone right now, it’s not just you.” Or, “You’re a nice guy but I’ve got too much going on in my personal life right now.” While these things may often be true, sometimes they’re not but we feel pressured to say them anyways. To tell a man no because we don’t like him or don’t trust him can result in a verbal tirade or guilt trips or, in some in-person cases, even violence. We are expected to take the blame for their desired interaction not working out so they don’t have to feel personally rejected. Many men do not handle personal rejection very well, and we often bear the brunt of their displeasure.

Most good men never see the extent of what we deal with because these asshole men often don’t act this way when we have male friends or partners with us. They respect other men and see us as your “property”, so they usually leave us alone when we’re with you. This is why I’ll wear more revealing clothing if I’m with a group of friends, but I wear leggings under my mini skirt and cover up my cleavage when I’m alone at night or in sketchier parts of town. This is not done out of modesty, but out of concern for my safety and to avoid unwanted attention.

This is also why many women will wear a fake wedding ring or say they have a boyfriend- often the easiest way to get a man to stop making unwanted advances is to say that we already “belong” to another man. They won’t respect us, but they don’t want to deal with another man. The man who assaulted me wouldn’t stop texting me afterwards, wanting to do it again. I was too scared to tell him I didn’t have a good time, he knew where I lived and I was in a very rural area alone most nights, so I felt safest telling him that I’d started dating someone and wasn’t looking for casual sex anymore. But even that didn’t stop him indefinitely. I blocked him and made a new OkCupid profile, but he found it a month after and assumed I was no longer dating the guy, and he texted me again. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I got rude with him, and I only felt safe doing that because I was moving to Vancouver and he didn’t know where I’d be living. I literally had to move to another country and change my phone number before I felt safe from him.

The men in my life also didn’t see the creepy advances I received online from middle aged men when I was barely 14, or the way older guys looked at me when I was even younger. We are prey to them- and not in a fun BDSM primal play kind of way. They want to possess us whether we’re willing or not, whether we’re adults or children. Women learn to watch for dangerous men from a very early age.

I love men, don’t get me wrong. I trust certain men very deeply. There are countless wonderful men who are unfortunately negatively impacted by the actions of other unscrupulous men. But I can’t help how I’ve been treated, or how society currently treats women. Good men and mistreated women are both affected by this patriarchal rape culture fuckery. If you’re a good man, you’ll have a lot of extra hurdles to overcome when seeking a woman. It’s not your fault how women are treated by other men, but please don’t blame us for how we have learned to protect ourselves. As frustrating as this is for you, it’s far worse for us. I don’t like being mistrusting of people, but I also have to be safe. For me to trust you, I have to see that you are safe. A random message on the internet or a brief conversation in person doesn’t even come close to proving that you are a good guy and not a bad guy.

Why Your Dick Profile Pics Are a Turn-off.

I’ve seen a lot of dicks. I’ve fucked a lot of dicks. And while I do love to play with a nice hard-on, I’m not really interested in looking at a stranger’s penis unless I’m attracted to them or it’s being used to fuck someone and I get to watch (yay porn!) I’m much more interested in actually having a cock “handy” to do things with- and unless you’ve sufficiently earned my trust and comfort, that ain’t gonna happen.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dick pics. I like it when a guy (or anyone else with a penis) is confident enough to have a photo or two of their junk among their other naughty pictures photos. It’s certainly not necessary, but they can be very sexy if it’s someone I am interested in. Even if I’m not personally attracted to the person, I don’t care if those pictures are in their photo section. It’s just bodies, after all.

But I don’t like it when they’re a profile photo because then it’s the first thing I see when a new person messages me. When a random stranger messages me with their dick pic in my face, my usual mental response is probably the exact opposite what most of these men are hoping for. Why?

There’s a lot to be said for leaving a little mystery.

Leave those shots in your photo album where I can browse for them if I find you interesting enough to want to see more. Don’t make it the first thing I see when I open your message; let me look for it if I’m feeling the chemistry. Trust me, if a girl is really into you and you have a dick pic among your photos, she will look at it and probably fantasize about you fucking her with it.

A dick must come with a person who is at least somewhat attractive to me.

Otherwise what am I fantasizing about? It’s rather ridiculous how many dick pics have no body or face pics to go with them. I’m not going to fantasize about a floating penis penetrating my vagina. I have my dildo for that. At least my dildo vibrates.

What if you do have other photos of yourself and I’m just not attracted to you? That is a risk you take, but it’s the same risk you take when you try to seduce someone in person- if the rest of you isn’t creating the right chemistry, then what you’ve got in your pants is not of interest to me either.

Unless the person you’re messaging is interested in sexting with strangers that they wouldn’t fuck in person, you’re not going to change this situation just because you’re messaging them online.

A lone dick doth not good sex make.

A dick by itself is not very impressive for me, regardless of size. Good PIV sex requires a LOT more than just a hard cock- seductive kissing, foreplay, using your hands, trust, the right chemistry… without all that, your penis isn’t any better than my dildo. A random photo of your penis tells me nothing about what you can do with it. It’s what you can do with it that releases the floodgates in my panties… or makes me drier than the Sahara.

Dick pics are often lacking in photo attractiveness.

Think of the lighting, the angles, the pixel quality! If you want your dick to look good, then at least take a decent photo of it.

In Conclusion:

A cock’s proper place is in my pussy, making me squeal and act like a whore while you fuck me in all the right ways. It should be shooting cum in me so it drips out while I’m lying on the bed gasping for breath after a mind blowing orgasm. THEN I will be drooling over those dick photos as I masturbate later.

If you’re a random guy on the internet, what I just described ain’t gonna happen for you. I don’t play with strangers, and talking online does not negate your stranger status. Come to events and get to know me as a friend, and if the connection is right MAYBE we can talk about your dick in my pussy. But it’s not likely because I’m a very selective slut, so don’t show up with expectations and then get upset if my pussy gates are not opened to you. I’m a genie in a bottle, you must rub me the right way. Throwing your dick at me does not count.

So put away your dick profile pics. You want me to want to drool over your dick? Then make me want you first. If I want you, then your cock will be like gold for me. If I don’t want you, then I couldn’t care less about what’s in your pants because you’ll never get near enough to fuck me with it.

End rant.

Note: This is not intended to be judgmental to anyone on my friends list who may choose to have a dick profile pic. This note was inspired by the many messages I get from random men online who seem to think that messaging me with their penises in my face will make me less likely to immediately delete their messages. These general concepts may or may not apply to people of other gender combinations too; this is just my rant based on my personal experiences and irritations, which in this case involves men with penises.

BDSM Isn’t Anti-Feminist

Given my ardent feminism and my love for BDSM, it surprises me to see other feminists saying that you can’t be into BDSM and be a “true” feminist.

Firstly, being a feminist means fighting for a woman’s right to make her own damn decisions. That means we don’t judge women who are conservative or religious, who rely on men for support, who are stay at home moms who like to cook, or women who like being sexually dominated by a man (or any other kind of kinky fun). Every woman (or female presenting person) is different, and trying to fit us all into the same box is exactly what feminism is supposed to be against. Humans are sexual creatures with a wide range of interests and turn-on’s, and we should not judge them for consensual, safe activities that are done with other full informed, consenting adults. Who I have fun with and how is no one else’s business but my own.

Secondly, BDSM is not abuse. Consent is the core of BDSM; without fully informed and continual consent, it’s abuse. If a women doesn’t feel she can say no, it’s not real BDSM. Every participant has the right to say no at any time, for any reason, and they don’t have to do anything that they don’t want to do. This is the opposite of how domestic violence works. Abuse doesn’t ask permission, it doesn’t establish or respect safety or personal boundaries; the abuser just takes what they want. BDSM is about the voluntary exchange of power and control, which is actually very empowering when done correctly. Calling BDSM abuse or anti-feminist shows a lack of understanding of what BDSM is all about, and it demeans the wonderful people who have found acceptance and freedom here.

Now, there are some predators and awful people within BDSM. Predators like to take advantage of people who may be vulnerable and unaware that what they’re experiencing is abuse. It reminds me a lot of church, actually. Just like some pastors or non-religious youth workers target people (especially young people) for manipulation and assault, some people within the BDSM spectrum take advantage for their own nefarious purposes. But this is not a BDSM-specific problem, it’s found in many groups, especially conservative religious groups. It doesn’t mean that type of group is inherently bad or unsafe, but it does mean that the group needs to make a conscious effort to educate their members so they are not vulnerable to these predators. In the kink groups I’m involved in, consent and education is a major focus. When I joined the community in my area, the first thing experienced players asked me was if I understood consent and safety. I’ve actually felt much safer in my local BDSM community than I ever felt when I was using regular online dating, and though I haven’t hooked up with people from bars I can’t imagine feeling anywhere near as safe in that kind of situation.

I’ve been in a bad BDSM situation where the rules of consent and safety were not followed. I know how scary it is to have my right to say no taken away. It’s horrible. But that’s not what real BDSM is about. Since then I’ve educated myself on proper BDSM methods and I know to watch for predators, and while I’m still learning I’m being well taken care of within the safety of the community.

So for feminists who would like to demonize BDSM as anti-feminist and anti-woman, let’s focus on ending actual abuse, where the right to say no doesn’t exist and manipulation abounds. That’s what dehumanizes and oppresses women, not fully consensual kink play.

A Gorgeous Model Worked The Runway At Fashion Week. You May Notice Something Different About Her.

danielle-shaypuk-new-york-fashion-week-model-in-wheelchair-38842518a38ec3ce91b1b4ae6dea6321I think it’s wonderful for women who don’t fit society’s “perfect” standard to be models. Women are not all the same- and few, if any, women embody this perfect standard naturally anyways. Most of what we are actually looking up to is photoshop and makeup. Now don’t get me wrong- there’s nothing wrong with being skinny or “fitting the mold”, but that shouldn’t be the only thing we see in the media and runway shows. Women can be creative with their fashion choices and look damn good no matter what their body type or size. 🙂

“In an ideal world, the people who model clothes will be relatable to us. In that case, fashion designer Carrie Hammer made her debut at New York Fashion Week by hitting it out of the park. She featured Danielle Sheypuk, who Hammer calls a role model, in her runway show.”

http://www.upworthy.com/a-gorgeous-model-worked-the-runway-during-fashion-week-you-may-notice-something-different-about-her?c=ufb1