Tag Archives: dominant

Dominance and Intimidating Masculine Types

12347968_1661322980824185_9008758983403969630_n

Society does not always respond very well to dominant women. We are often seen as rude, bossy, unnatural, or a challenge to be put back in our “rightful place”. I loved being in a military cadet program in high school because it was the one place where my dominant side was applauded and nurtured instead of squashed. But even there, I was still usually under the authority of men who outranked me.

When I became more dominant and confident in my opinions and attitudes, people from my religious past called me hateful, rude, and inappropriate. We were raised to be sweet and accommodating, and to only ruffle feathers when we were promoting the church’s ideas (which were usually decided by men). Basically the message we got was “don’t think for yourself, just channel your passion into roles that WE set out for you.” One man told me that I could disagree with him but only if my opinions didn’t contradict scripture. And who decided what contradicted scripture? We both knew he felt that was his job.

I eventually called bullshit. Ohmigod how horrible, a woman who thinks for herself and won’t do as she’s told! (gasp) THE WORLD IS ENDING! GRAB YOUR DICKS, THE DOMINANT WOMEN ARE COMING TO DESTROY YOUR MASCULINITY!

download

Being a dominant woman means my dating pool has shrunk greatly. Many mainstream men are intimidated by me now, and not in a submissive way but more of a “your dominance makes me insecure in my masculinity so the problem must be with you!” kind of way, and that’s not a good fit for anyone in a relationship. And many of the men who are interested in my dominance are interested in it as a fetish, because of what they want from me sexually or emotionally. That’s fine in some contexts, such as my pro domme work, but it’s not really what I want in a loving dating relationship. I’m a person with needs and desires of my own, not just a kink goddess that will service their fetishes.

Not only must I look for emotional maturity, reliability and good chemistry, but now I must also look for partners who are not turned off by the fact that I may be more dominant as a femme than they are as a masculine type. Instead of letting a man always lead and teach like I was raised, I’m not afraid to jump in and take the reigns myself. Not everyone is cool with that.

Fortunately in the kink community there are many awesome masculine types who love my dominance without overly focusing on it as a fetish. It’s one of the many reasons why I don’t bother with vanilla dating anymore; it would take so much work to become compatible with a vanilla guy that it doesn’t seem worthwhile for me in most cases.

20ffee25c74c2a3faa17616772952d42

As with most of my writings, this may easily apply to people of other genders not mentioned here.

Advertisements

Sometimes Dommes Want to Submit Too.

I’ve noticed that people (mostly men) seem to respect me more now that I present myself as a domme and not as a switch. As a switch, I would get messages from (again mostly men) latching onto that one tiny mention of my potential submission. That, to them, seemed to be an indicator of ‘weakness’ that they could exploit. But now that I present myself as a domme, there is no wiggle-room in there for most men to try to take advantage of me anymore. And as a domme, a bitchy reply is almost expected, so I feel more confident being blunt when they are acting inappropriately or asking me for sexual attention or discussion that I have no desire to give them. And unsolicited advice about my appearance or interests? They don’t stand a chance anymore. What would be deemed rude from a submissive is expected from a domme.

But, I still crave submission. Not to random people, but with people I know and trust. It’s something I don’t do much of anymore, but it’s always in my fantasies.

Submitting as a domme is not easy. Not only do I have to find people that I am comfortable enough to submit to, but they have to be on what I would consider equal standing with me as a dominant. I can’t submit to someone if I feel that they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s not a judgment about their abilities or lack of experience, but a matter of comfort and ability to let myself go. I know how much responsibility is involved for tops, especially when a power dynamic is involved, so giving that control away to someone else is extremely hard for me now. And even if I do trust them, I then must have the right chemistry with them as a person and with their play style.

Finding a dominant as a domme is difficult to say the least. But, I no longer feel that I need to be actively submissive to be fulfilled as a person. I will always be looking for it on some level, and I’ll always fantasize about it, but I’d rather be patient and wait for the right situation than try to force a connection just to ‘scratch an itch’.

In the meantime, I’ll practice my skills on the other end of the dominance spectrum, and occasionally let very close friends top me. Therapy paddling is fun now and then.

My Kink Bucket List

I may update this if I’m able to live out some of these fantasies or when I think of more kinky shit I want to do. Enjoy.

  • Be worshiped as a goddess by many subs at once, all on leashes, bowing at my feet begging for a beating. I may agree to beat one or two of them, if they beg hard enough and serve me well.
  • Have a line of subs lined up for me and other dommes to fuck their asses with strap-ons.
  • To have a blue and black stunt violin and bow specifically for my kink musical scenes.
  • To learn to dance like Lindsey Stirling, and then do an erotic kinky violin dance in fetish-wear.
  • Learn to dance, then choreograph a dance with a submissive showing kink power dynamics in a sensual, beautiful, artistic way.
  • Play violin while suspended upside down in rope or dangling from silk scarves.
  • I want a domme throne. A fucking massive chair with velvet and carved wood and all that fancy shit.
  • To wrestle with a primal wolf and win.
  • To be the consensual ‘victim’ of a gangbang where I’m treated as an object.
  • To be brutally ravished outside up against a tree late at night in a consensual-non-consent scenario.
  • Get a kink-themed tattoo.
  • A Star Wars themed dungeon complete with Lightsaber floggers and a Sith domme outfit. The Darth Vader theme song would play as my majestic domme highness entered the room to begin the beating.

We become like those we spend time with.

poly-category

It’s an inevitable part of human nature to become like those around us. It’s easily noticeable for those who travel a lot; we tend to pick up on new accents and mannerisms without even realizing it. As humans we want to be accepted by other humans, so we subconsciously (or consciously) try to become more like them. This can be hilarious at times, such as when I catch myself imitating a Southern drawl with my dad’s relatives in Texas.

This imitation becomes a problem when the other people are exhibiting behaviors or attitudes that are not healthy for us to emulate. Although most of us can keep ourselves “on track” despite a few distractions, we are still very susceptible to the example of those around us. This is why racism, sexism, homophobia, and other negative attitudes are still so rampant: The people who hold these views tend to create their own “social bubbles” where they mostly associate with people who make them feel justified in their current attitudes. Or, at the very least, people who will not call them out on it.

But if we want to grow, then we have to get out of our comfort zones. We must pay more attention to what influences are affecting us the most, and make changes when necessary.

If you want to be a better Dominant, surround yourself with mature, experienced Doms who will be a good influence on your abilities.

If you want to be a Submissive with healthy communication habits, surround yourself with experienced Submissives who have these traits.

If you want to be better at polyamory, seek out people who are successful at managing multiple partners and metamours. Spending time with them will rub off on your own poly groups.

If you want to grow in emotional maturity, surround yourself with people who are more mature than you are, and don’t be too proud to let them lovingly point out areas that need improvement.

If you want to manage your mental health better, spend time with people who understand you and who will encourage you to develop healthy coping skills.
What often happens, though, is that we surround ourselves with people who are hindering our growth and then wonder why our lives are so chaotic and unhealthy. Instead of being influenced by people who will encourage us to better ourselves, many of us spend our time trying to win over people who do not really value us, or who don’t care about bettering themselves. Instead of becoming better, we start to lose momentum in our own growth because our closest influences are telling us that it’s ok to stop growing; it’s ok to give in to our unhealthy habits and negative attitudes. This stifles our personal growth and makes it much harder to increase our own emotional maturity.

So how do we balance all this? Obviously no one is perfect, and limiting our circle of friends to those who are “good enough” is not exactly a healthy thought either.

I think what’s important is that we are simply aware of how our closest influences are affecting us so we are not sacrificing our own growth or stability for their sake. I think it’s not so much about cutting “bad people out” as “bringing good people in”. The more emotionally healthy, mature people we have in our lives, the better equipped we will be to help those who maybe can’t be a good role model for us right now. These good influences can also help us recognize when we are being taken advantage of, when we’re being an idiot and need to be reigned in a little, or when we are overreacting or lashing out. It’s uncomfortable, but accountability from those we trust is important if we’re going to become better friends, partners, lovers, Dominants, Submissives, etc.

By building a close inner circle of people that will help us grow into our best self, we can then help others grow too.

Don’t hate me… but when I was a young teenager Britney Spears was my empowering music.

No, seriously.

I was a petite blonde who was raised in an extremely conservative home. Britney Spears was absolutely forbidden fruit, as was looking remotely like her. But I secretly wanted to. She could wear revealing clothes without shame, she was sexual and aggressive, and her music made something inside of me squirm (*gasp* I was horny!!).

Why? Because I was desperately starved to see a strong, independent woman who embraced her sexuality as a positive thing. The only place I found that was in music like Britney Spears’. Call it a sad reflection on a puritanical society, but this was my introduction and only outlet for sensuality and freedom for several years. It was my spark of hope that someday I could be as free and open as she was.

And then there were songs like this that summed my teenage angst so well:

This was one of the songs that I listened to in my headphones on a CD I’d burned in secret at my friend’s house. It was among my favorite music videos to watch when I knew my parents wouldn’t know. I had elaborate fantasies of singing like Britney; dreams of being unashamed of my body and sexuality. In my world the only way I could be free was in the privacy of my own mind, and in music. I could close my eyes and imagine doing all the things I could never do in real life. I could let go- and Britney was a part of that journey for me.

I’m realizing how much kink has been a part of my life. I mean she’s even got a riding crop in the above video; I was barely 14 when I was drooling over this. I loved dominant women before I even knew that such a term existed. I wanted to be like her before I knew what a Domme was. (Sometimes it’s fun to revisit childhood favorites and pick out all the blatant signs that I was always kinky! Lol)

So when I hear people bash Britney it bothers me. She’s an amazing dominant woman whose music inspired me to explore my own sexuality and female dominance. I watch this video and I want to make my own video cover about all the awful men I’ve dealt with- but in a very sexy way. I’m thinking it would be fun to be a Domme who has men tied up in a rope suspension as she sings this to them and smacks them around. Thoughts? 😉 (I’d have to have someone experienced do the actual rope work.)

There are many female pop stars who get a lot of flack for their open sensuality and the music they play. Sure, some of it is silly and overdone and makes me want to gag, but many of these artists are actually very talented and I admire them a lot.

Say what you want about these women, but Lady Gaga got a bunchy of manly ‘SS officers’ to do sissy dance walking (at 5:45 in this video). And she had a machine gun bra. I mean seriously, LIFE GOALS PEOPLE!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!