Tag Archives: dom

Dominance and Intimidating Masculine Types

12347968_1661322980824185_9008758983403969630_n

Society does not always respond very well to dominant women. We are often seen as rude, bossy, unnatural, or a challenge to be put back in our “rightful place”. I loved being in a military cadet program in high school because it was the one place where my dominant side was applauded and nurtured instead of squashed. But even there, I was still usually under the authority of men who outranked me.

When I became more dominant and confident in my opinions and attitudes, people from my religious past called me hateful, rude, and inappropriate. We were raised to be sweet and accommodating, and to only ruffle feathers when we were promoting the church’s ideas (which were usually decided by men). Basically the message we got was “don’t think for yourself, just channel your passion into roles that WE set out for you.” One man told me that I could disagree with him but only if my opinions didn’t contradict scripture. And who decided what contradicted scripture? We both knew he felt that was his job.

I eventually called bullshit. Ohmigod how horrible, a woman who thinks for herself and won’t do as she’s told! (gasp) THE WORLD IS ENDING! GRAB YOUR DICKS, THE DOMINANT WOMEN ARE COMING TO DESTROY YOUR MASCULINITY!

download

Being a dominant woman means my dating pool has shrunk greatly. Many mainstream men are intimidated by me now, and not in a submissive way but more of a “your dominance makes me insecure in my masculinity so the problem must be with you!” kind of way, and that’s not a good fit for anyone in a relationship. And many of the men who are interested in my dominance are interested in it as a fetish, because of what they want from me sexually or emotionally. That’s fine in some contexts, such as my pro domme work, but it’s not really what I want in a loving dating relationship. I’m a person with needs and desires of my own, not just a kink goddess that will service their fetishes.

Not only must I look for emotional maturity, reliability and good chemistry, but now I must also look for partners who are not turned off by the fact that I may be more dominant as a femme than they are as a masculine type. Instead of letting a man always lead and teach like I was raised, I’m not afraid to jump in and take the reigns myself. Not everyone is cool with that.

Fortunately in the kink community there are many awesome masculine types who love my dominance without overly focusing on it as a fetish. It’s one of the many reasons why I don’t bother with vanilla dating anymore; it would take so much work to become compatible with a vanilla guy that it doesn’t seem worthwhile for me in most cases.

20ffee25c74c2a3faa17616772952d42

As with most of my writings, this may easily apply to people of other genders not mentioned here.

We’re Not Always Going to Enjoy BDSM Scenes- Even When We’re Safe and Consensual.

I was taking a BDSM test, and I really liked this:

It’s no big deal when things I try turn out bad for me. It’s part of the risk and it’s a necessary part of discovering what works and what doesn’t.

This pretty much sums up my attitude about BDSM play. If consent and boundaries are being properly negotiated and respected, and reasonable safety precautions are followed, then anything else that happens is a risk I take when I play. We are NOT guaranteed to always have a good time in every scene.

There’s always a chance that:

  • I might not enjoy myself even if the scene was fantastic. Not every scene gives us warm fuzzies, even if we do everything by the book and respect our partners. I might be tired, stressed, distracted, hormonal, my ADD might make it harder to focus on the scene sensations that day, I might not have eaten enough and I feel off, etc.
  • I might discover that I don’t like that kind of play or might not enjoy it with that particular partner. Heck, that kind of play might even really freak me out and give me nightmares! That’s a risk I take whenever I try something new.
  • I could get hurt even when we’re being safe, or my body and mind might react in unpredictable ways. (Once I passed out in the middle of a scene because I’d been in a hot tub beforehand and didn’t know I’d be that light-headed during play.) Accidents and unforeseen medical issues happen, even with the safest play partners.
  • Past trauma or current emotional issues might trigger me unexpectedly.
  • Communication is fucking hard to get right in any context, but especially in BDSM play. We’re going to cross wires sometimes. Or maybe a lot. If this scares you, then maybe BDSM isn’t for you. What’s important is that we learn from misunderstandings and avoid those mistakes as much as possible, and constantly work to understand each partner’s unique communication methods.

This is why we have safe words, and why a good Top/Dom will try to watch their partners for signs of unusual distress (though please remember that tops aren’t mind readers!!) It’s also why we have aftercare, and why healthy play partners talk openly about how they’re feeling. Did we cross wires? Let’s address it! Did I get triggered or not enjoy myself? I should be able to convey this without blaming my partner for something that isn’t their fault. Tops/Doms do have a lot of responsibility, but they aren’t magicians who are responsible for us always liking every single thing we try.

If I try something and really don’t like it, then it’s a lesson learned. Either I’ll try it differently next time, or I’ll try something else and see if I like that better.

If I’m inwardly freaking out mid-scene, I need to communicate this to my partner. If I know I have problems with verbalizing safe words mid-scene, I should negotiate additional signals so I can let my partner know when something unexpected is happening in my mind or body. If I don’t know I have problems with verbalizing safe words, and my partner doesn’t stop the scene because they didn’t know I wanted it to end and I couldn’t get the words out, is that their fault? Yes, I may have been traumatized, but not because they were irresponsible or trying to hurt me. My brain freezing up made me unable to effectively convey my distress about continuing with what we’d agreed. I would need to address my safe word signals before playing again. I can’t expect my play partners to know something that I didn’t even know, and that wasn’t conveyed to them. (This is hypothetical in my case, I’m personally fine with verbalizing safe words.)

If we’re trying something new, we should take extra safety precautions. As a top in training I know my flogging aim currently sucks, so I don’t hit very hard with those tools. There are a lot of things I won’t do without experienced supervision until I know I can trust myself to remember all the safety stuff. Any subs I play with know that I’m new, and though I take extra precautions, there is always a risk that I could unintentionally harm them. RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

There are endless reasons why a good scene might not have brought me the enjoyment that I expected. Before blaming my partner, I need to make sure they actually did something wrong. In fact, I may need to reassure my partner because if it’s obvious I didn’t have a good time, they might blame themselves for something that wasn’t even their fault. Tops/Doms are human too; they also have needs and generally want us to have a good time. When we don’t, it can cause them distress. Hence why we need to communicate!

Consent violations and unsafe play are serious issues, and I am in no way diminishing the importance of addressing them. Most of you know my no-nonsense attitude towards predators and consent violations, and you may have heard my own account of encountering a predator. However, having a bad time in a scene usually isn’t because our partner was a predator or negligent. Often it’s because of scenarios like I listed above (which are not complete and of course there are exceptions to every situation.) Yes, we absolutely need to make sure we hold people in our community accountable- but we also need to avoid blaming our play partners for things that aren’t really their fault or that we’re both responsible for.