Tag Archives: BDSM

The Connections Between Fundamentalist Religion and BDSM

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/Submission, Masochism) is a spectrum of interests that range from simple things like blindfolds and feather ticklers to whips, chains, blood, and screams of delighted suffering. It’s highly stigmatized and misunderstood in our culture, which I think is unfair. BDSM is no more violent than the things described in Scripture, and in fact Scripture is sometimes the inspiration for them.

As a former missionary and pastor who went to Bible college, deconverted from fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity, and is now a professional Dominatrix and full-time BDSM practitioner, I am in a unique position to comment on this topic. I’ll probably write a book on this someday… but for now, here are a few of my observations.

Quick things to know about BDSM:

50 Shades of Grey is NOT a good example of BDSM. Christian Grey is abusive and a stalker, not a responsible Dominant.

BDSM is sometimes sexual, but often it is not. Platonic friends will often play together and many types of play have nothing to do with sex.

My favorite BDSM acronym is PRICK: Personally Responsible Informed Consensual Kink. Others include RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink, and SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This sums up BDSM attitudes on consent quite well. It is core to everything that we do.

The Bible discusses sexual slavery at great length. Women are property, owned or ruled by men, always submissive to male power and authority. Women had no say over their own bodies, and they were the property of their fathers until a husband or slave master took over control. “Wives, obey your husbands.”

In BDSM, sexual slavery is often a theme. But unlike the fundamentalist version of this, in BDSM the focus is on everyone’s consent, pleasure, and willingness to be involved, and all genders participate in whatever role they enjoy most. Unlike in the Bible, where women who broke sexual laws were stoned or forced to marry their rapist, and where sexual submission was compulsory, in BDSM all a woman has to say is her Safe Word and it all stops. She has control of what she allows to be done to her; even a Dominant man who is her master is limited by the control she gives him. No one can have sex with her or hit her unless she allows it. No one can put a submissive collar on her unless she consents, and she can remove it if she feels it is no longer a safe, healthy, or pleasurable relationship.

Nowhere in the Bible is a woman’s bodily autonomy expressly protected. She is always property with no say in her life, and no one cares about her consent. In BDSM, bodily autonomy and consent is core to everything that we do. It is what separates our play from abuse.

Violence is a key part of the Bible. Growing up I read the Bible through a couple dozen times, easily, and I studied it further in Bible college. I know far too well all the stories of violence, rape, forced marriage, child marriage, genocide, war, mass drowning of women and children, and murder. Most of it was justified because either God allegedly did it or commanded it to be done, so I had to learn how to accept much of this violence in my mind. Now as an adult who is not religious, that violence ingrained in my mind needs a healthy outlet. BDSM allows me a healthy, consensual outlet for my inner violent side which was encouraged by all the violence I studied in Scripture.

Control is also a huge theme in the Bible. There are rules, laws, and restrictions on almost every part of life. And, there are severe punishments for not following the rules (social punishments, banishment, execution, Hell, etc.) So, being trained to follow strict rules was something I was taught from an early age. Is it any surprise now that I enjoy intense BDSM relationships where I give over control to someone else, and obey their commands? I was groomed to do exactly that. Except I’m not ashamed anymore for saying “no” to things I’m not ok with. That is NOT something the Bible taught me.

Corporal punishment! “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” The Bible encourages spanking disobedient children. I was spanked as a child and so were many of my kinky friends. Is it any surprise that as an adult I enjoy being spanked and ordered around in the bedroom too? The difference now is that it’s consensual and pleasurable for me. I am only spanked or ordered around if I consent to that kind of play, and I only play with people I trust to respect my personal boundaries and stop when I’ve had enough.

Pain. Masochists are people who gain pleasure or fulfillment from experiencing pain. I like to compare it to runners who like the “Runner’s High” that they get when they push themselves physically; endorphins are released that feel good. In fundamentalist Christianity, especially back in the Dark Ages and Medieval times, it was not uncommon for some religious fundamentalists to beat themselves, starve themselves in extended fasting, and otherwise cause discomfort and pain to themselves. This was believed to bring them closer to God somehow and people do this even to this day, as I know from personal experience in my religious days. I read about these extremist people growing up, and sometimes they were portrayed as heroes for me to emulate. Is it any wonder that I am not afraid to experience pain now and even find positives in it? Fundamentalism taught me that it’s ok to like pain if it’s in service to God or in punishment of wrongdoing. Why isn’t it ok to enjoy consensual pain because it brings me and my partner pleasure, or because it “gets me out of my head” for a while and I can relax?

The biggest differences that I have experienced between religious fundamentalism and BDSM are freedom, consent, and bodily autonomy. Instead of trying to force myself into a box I didn’t fit into, now I am in a world where I control my own life even when I am playing a submissive role. If I don’t like what’s happening and feel scared or misused, I can say no and make it stop. I couldn’t do that with religion. There was no Safe Word to end the terror of Hell. I had no authority over my own life, I had to obey and follow men or God in all things even if I disagreed. A “woman’s place” is now whatever I decide it is.

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CBT (Cock & Ball Torture) Tips and Advice (Please contribute yours!)

I’ve been getting a lot of requests for info on being a new top/domme, so I want to do more information sharing. I’m still a fairly new domme myself, and I’m always looking for tips and advice from more experienced tops/dominants, so I am looking for your advice as well. Here are a few things I’ve learned, and I welcome your thoughts in the comments.

Some balls are super sensitive. Like, you touch them and the person faints. With those genitals, you must be very gentle and CBT will probably require only light touches to inflict discomfort. However, some balls are a lot tougher than we realize and those people can handle (and possibly even enjoy?) a VERY tight squeeze. With sharp fingernails. Or metal claws. (Muahahahaha.)

The only way to know how much you can squeeze someone’s balls is to try it. (Evil grin, rubs hands together) As in, ask the bottom and then gradually increase the pressure until they reach whatever limit they have set.

Why do I enjoy CBT? I’m a sadist, for one. But it’s also because sometimes asshole type men really piss me off, and I like to relieve some of that frustration by bringing a grown man to his knees just by squeezing my dainty little fingers. After a lifetime of being told I must always bow to masculinity because I was feminine and God said so, I like turning the tables. After being harassed and assaulted by men, now I can bring a man to his knees and be the one calling the shots.

I really need to order metal claws though because fingernails just aren’t mean enough… And electricity. Ooooooooh electricity with metal claws on balls would be SO much fun.

Most of my experience has been with squeezing and punishing balls. I have no personal interest in Sounding (cool for you, but it squicks me out!) and I haven’t done much cock torture other than slapping and squeezing.

Gossip vs Vetting and Other Necessary Communication 

When does talking about somebody else cease to be necessary or helpful and become gossip?

In our community, vetting is an essential part of our community safety. If we don’t share some relevant information with each other, that can potentially put others at risk for being harmed or manipulated. But where do we draw the line? I think there are some criteria to consider.

  • Would the lack of this information potentially cause harm or distress to the person you’re talking to? 
  • Are they directly involved in the situation that’s being discussed? Are you directly involved? 
  • Are they trying to ascertain someone’s safety or trustworthiness, or what the person’s community reputation is, and you have firsthand or other reliable knowledge that would help them make a more accurate decision? 
  • Is the purpose of the conversation to help someone be informed about things that could directly affect them, or is the goal to unfairly discredit or belittle someone for the speaker’s own personal agenda? 
  • Is the person upset because someone else has harmed or distressed them, and they are trying to process what happened by talking to a trusted friend? 

I think the answers to these questions aren’t always going to be black and white, but I think they may be a good place to start. I think motive and relevance has a lot to do with what makes something gossip versus necessary communication, but it’s sometimes very difficult to judge these motives in others or even in ourselves.  

Human communication is pretty screwed up at the best of times. Add in BDSM and LGBTQ issues, mental health complications, emotional responses, past abuse and triggers, and it gets really hard to navigate communication issues. 

I think what’s important is to actively try to make our communication methods as helpful and ethical as possible. But, it’s important to note that we are almost certain to disagree with others on what is helpful and ethical and what is not. I think giving each other the benefit of the doubt, while also standing up for ourselves and others when needed, is important too. 

I welcome respectful dialogue on this. I’m trying to improve my own communication methods and this topic is something I’d like to be better educated on. What do you think makes something unhelpful and gossip? What kind of shared information is ethical and necessary given the risks and intensity of BDSM involvement? 

2 years since I came out as LGBTQ!

(BTW check out my super hot extra short haircut!!)

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Facebook memories reminded me that I officially came out as bisexual (now pansexual) two years ago today.

I’ve never regretted coming out as LGBT and supporting equality, even though I’ve dealt with a lot of judgment and abandonment for it, and society can be a very scary place for us sometimes.

I’m so much happier now that I can just be myself, without feeling terrified that these feelings for people other than men somehow made me “broken” or “disgusting” or unworthy of being treated with respect and admiration. I used to be so scared and humiliated to even admit these feelings to myself because I thought they made me a bad person. I also had the fear of Hell when I was religious.

Trying to convince myself that I was “normal” resulted in even more anxiety and depression. Coming out of the closet, and getting involved in a community that adores and respects me just as I am, has helped me SO much.

Although I still have anxiety and depression, it’s getting better every day, and I know that being able to openly be myself has been a huge part of it. So thank you to everyone who has supported me as LGBTQ, and who has supported LGBTQ equality, because you guys have helped me a lot these past couple years. I needed your support and acceptance while I was figuring myself out and healing from life traumas, and you came through for me.

I’m still quite stressed about some money stuff, but even that is getting better and my anxiety has been manageable despite it. Some days I feel almost giddy because my cheerful happy creative self is back, and I’m slowly regaining my physical strength as well.

2017 is going to be a fantastic year. I have decided. It shall be full of music, art, kinky shenanigans, geeky everything, and hopefully healthy friendships and relationships. And lots of kitty snuggles. And probably copious amounts of chocolate.

Acceptance is a Hard Limit.

One of the lessons I’ve learned in the kink and LGBTQ communities is that not everyone here is accepting of others. In fact, some people here are just as judgmental and belittling as vanilla people often are.

While I don’t expect everyone to personally understand or relate to every aspect of my life and I value diversity of opinion, there are some levels of non-acceptance that I will no longer tolerate from people who want to be actively in my life. I consider these my hard limits for relationships of any kind, even friends. These hard limits are also my personal standard for how I accept others.

My quirky interests.

I don’t care if you don’t also like cats or Star Wars or Disney movies, just don’t imply that I’m stupid or annoying for having these interests. My methods of expressing my quirky interests may need adjustment at times, but not the interests themselves.

My kink.

“Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok.” As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult with a reasonable knowledge of what they are consenting to, there should be no judgment about it. It’s cool if you’re not personally into rape fantasies or kitten play, but don’t put other people down for getting off on them.

My gender identity.

You don’t have to understand why calling myself genderqueer is important to me. Just accept it, and cherish me as I am. Don’t put me down for it or act like it’s an attack on your own gender identity (it’s really, truly not!)

My sexual orientation.

No one should ever be made to feel less-than for who they love. I’ve been put down for being bi/pansexual by other LGBTQ people who said I couldn’t make up my mind about being straight or gay. I’ve been denied access to certain queer groups offering support for women who like women because I don’t ONLY like women. Nope, not ok. My sexual orientation is just as valid as anyone else’s.

My personal beliefs about religion.

While I’m always striving to improve my communication and methods of expressing my ideas, and I admit I may need educating to accurately understand what other people believe, my beliefs are precious to me and I expect the people in my life to respect me as I am.

My mental health and traumas.

This is probably the most important one on this list for me.

I can’t help having anxiety and depression, or having lived through so many major life traumas that have made my mental illnesses worse. I didn’t choose to have ADD. The only choice I had was to get counselling, start meds under my doctor’s supervision, and to take personal responsibility to constantly work on these areas of my life to improve my ability to cope with them.

While I am open to respectful, caring assistance from my friends, and I will sometimes seek or accept advice from people I trust on these matters, I have been crushed and humiliated at how some people have treated my mental illnesses. Being called childish or weak for being triggered, or implying that my therapist and doctor’s glowing reports are wrong and I’m still a failure at managing my mental health, is incredibly discouraging.

People who haven’t lived with severe mental illness do not understand how devastating these comments and non-supportive attitudes are to the mentally ill. But even other mentally ill people do this. Some judge others for not coping like they do, or for experiencing mental illness differently.

If you don’t have something kind and supportive to say about someone’s mental illness, please keep your opinions to yourself. You’re just causing them more pain and may actually set them back even farther in their recovery by dashing their self esteem that they’ve worked so hard to build up. If they’re already getting treatment and you can see that they’re working on themselves, be supportive! Or be quiet and let them recover at their own speed! But don’t play doctor with them when they haven’t asked for your help. Just offer your support when you can, put up boundaries if you need to for your own mental health, and respectfully direct them to mental health resources and professionals if they’re truly falling apart on their own.

In summary:

Don’t be unaccepting under the guise of expressing your opinions. If your opinion says that someone else is wrong or foolish just because they are different than you, and they aren’t hurting you with their differences, then I recommend this old saying:

“If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Men, you are goddamn sexy.

A man doesn’t need washboard abs or a huge monster cock to turn me on. Some of my best sexual experiences have been with men that society wouldn’t deem particularly attractive, but they were sexier and better in bed than the model-type men I’d fucked before them. I’ve noticed that some guys rely on their stereotypical good looks to get partners, but they then get lazy in other ways…

I like hands. Strong, skillful, practiced hands. I know what those hands can do to me, and it makes me drool inside to think about it. Wiggling those fingers with that knowing, impish look on their face… oh baby. Do it again. panties start gushing

I like faces. Not stereotypical model faces, but faces I’m familiar with and have grown to trust and develop feelings for. I like seeing a familiar man’s face break out into a smile when I do something funny or cute. I like catching them staring at me in an adoring way when I act weird; it makes me feel good to see that they like my oddball personality instead of being turned off by it. Feeling liked just as I am makes me more confident around them, and that makes me more comfortable opening up my sexual side to them.

Eye contact is sexy as hell. Guys and masculine types, never underestimate the seductive power of a long, intimate staring contest. Or a Domly “You’re mine” stare combined with a possessive growl. You can bring someone to their knees not with your abs, but with your eyes and commanding presence. And if you’re submissive, eye contact shows your trust and affection for the person you’ve given yourself to that evening.

Legs. Women aren’t the only ones who have sexy legs that make people drool. A man with strong legs is a man who can most likely fuck me the way I want to be fucked- hard and violently. (Hehe.) Or, his legs can withstand the torture that I may wish to inflict upon him in my little dungeon.

Strong arms means a man can wrestle me into submission. Or at the very least he’ll put up a fight before I tie him down and shove large toys in his ass.

But one thing that many masculine types don’t realize is how sexy they can be regardless of their physical appearance or abilities. Being given emotional support is precious to me. Emotional maturity in a guy turns me on. Sure, physical attraction is an important part of overall sexual attraction, but looks alone don’t make for good sex or a good relationship. I’ve met men that I initially thought were hot, but after a brief conversation I was so turned off by their awful attitudes and willful ignorance that the idea of being physical with them was revolting.

As a primarily femme type who was raised as a woman, I tend to focus a lot on femme body image issues and self confidence and that’s good. But it’s also really important for us to talk about how amazing masculine types are even when they feel they don’t look good enough. The media also puts unfair pressure on men to look perfect, and these unrealistic social standards are just as messed up for men as they are for women (and other genders).

Men, if a woman says they think you are sexy, believe that she means it. Just like you can genuinely like how a girl looks even when she feels ugly, the same is true for you. You don’t have to look like a Calvin Klein model to turn someone into a raging sex freak in your bedroom. It’s far more important to be a decent human being and exploit what you’ve got in a way that your partner loves. Many women actually prefer men that don’t look like models because they tend to be far more attentive to their needs and desires in the bedroom.

So carry on, my sexy men. I will drool over your sexiness even if you don’t believe it’s there.

Note: I do not have personal experiences with gay relationships, so this note is rather hetero-based. But like most of my writings, these ideas can easily apply to people of many gender combinations; I just tend to write about my own experiences.

Punishing a Sissy Bitch

He sat on the ground in front of me, naked, his head bowed in submission. His hands and feet were shackled in leather cuffs, and a dog chain hung from his leather collar. His cock was dripping in anticipation of the torture yet to come.

“May I worship your feet, Mistress Laura? You have such beautiful feet.”

I smiled and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. “Only if you beg for it, my little bitch. And not until I’ve thoroughly punished you first. Foot worship must be earned.”

I pulled him up to a standing position, directing him to lean over a chair so his ass was in full view. I made him wait while I took my time selecting my instruments of torture, finally settling on a thin wooden paddle with a nasty sting.

“Are you going to be a good slut for me today?” Whack “Because I have lots of punishments lined up for you if you aren’t.” Whack “I can do this all day if I feel that your attitude needs more adjusting.” Whack

“Mistress Laura I’ll be a good slut for you. I live to please you. I want to OW! please you with my OW! pain. Please use me as OW! your OW! toy.” He yelped again as I grabbed his balls and squeezed hard.

“On a scale of one to ten, how much pain was that one, my little slut?”

His legs were shaking, but he managed to squeak out an answer. “It’s about a 9, Mistress Laura. I love it when you hurt me.”

I giggled sadistically. “Oh good! You’re going to love my next toy, then. It’s extra stingy.” He looked scared and excited all at once; my favorite response.

I walked over to my wall of toys and selected a silicone paddle. “This one stings like a motherfucker. Nasty little whores get the extra hurty ones. Tell me how much you want me to beat you with this.” I leaned over him, brushing my corset over his bare back and letting the paddle sit on his left butt cheek. “Oh please Mistress Laura I want to try the paddle OWWW!”

I smiled maliciously. “Oh, that was delicious. Shall I hit you again?” Whack “Yes ple-OW!” Whack whack whack whack

After a few more beatings, I pulled out one of my favourite toys- a long strip of white elastic designed for sewing into waistbands. I love it because I can wrap it around almost any body part and snap it as hard as I want. It’s like a huge rubber band, but much more versatile. “I think it’s time for my little bitch to get some lovely red welts. Don’t you agree?” He nodded as I stuffed a ball gag in his mouth. I wrapped the elastic around his thigh, holding the two ends in my left hand and snapping it hard with my right. He squirmed and yelped as I snapped it, leaving red welts in a horizontal pattern. “Had enough yet, slut?” He shook his head. I laughed and switched to his other thigh, this time focusing on the tender inner parts. His balls had been neglected too long so I gave those a few more squeezes too, causing his legs to shake and shudder again with pain.

Then I removed his gag and pulled out my other favourite toy- a slingshot and gummy candies. I instructed him to stand on the other side of the room with his hands on a piece of furniture. “Ready to be my target practice, bitch?” He nodded excitedly. “Yes Mistress Laura, I want to be your target practice so bad! Please shoot me with your slingshot!” Pulling back the slingshot with a gummy bear inside, I yelled “Fire in the hold!” I watched his butt cheek jiggle as the gummy candy hit it. It was very amusing, so I shot another one at his other cheek. “This is so much fun! I’m going to try a few more and give you some polka dots.” Red spots started to appear where the gummies had hit.

Once my arm was tired out from all the beatings and target practice, I let out a big sigh of satisfaction and sat down on my chair, instructing him to kneel in front of me. I stroked his hair and smiled. “Now you may worship my feet, my little sissy bitch. You’ve earned it.”

(This is a story based on my many real sessions with awesome Pro Domme clients. Not based on any client in particular.)