Why I don’t coddle strange men’s feelings anymore.

emotions-371238_1920I used to feel bad about being bitchy or blunt with unknown men who message me online. I’d try to explain what they did wrong so they wouldn’t ruin their chances with other women. After all, I used to think, if nobody ever tells them what they’re doing wrong, how will they ever learn? Shouldn’t some woman somewhere explain to them that acting like a douche or being lazy in the early stages will not get them laid or help them find their soulmate?

But here’s the thing- I’m not their mother. It’s not my job to teach all these men how to treat women (and others) with respect, and how to not come off as an entitled creep or lazy spammer. I’ve been around enough decent men to know that men (and people of other genders) are more than capable of figuring this out if they put in the effort to learn. It’s my job to educate MYSELF into a good potential partner. That’s it. It’s THEIR job to seek out information on how to be a good potential partner to ME. And asking me to teach them how does not count.

It’s also not my job to coddle their feelings when they are making me feel uncomfortable or are wasting my time. I cannot be responsible for their emotional well-being. Once a guy told me that he was suicidal and made me feel very guilty about turning him down. Why is this my fault? I’m sorry that many men are dealing with mental health stuff, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to use that as a guilt trip to get what they want. I have mental health issues too, but it would be wrong of me to use that to manipulate someone into being with me. I shouldn’t say unnecessarily damaging things to exacerbate their emotional issues (such as body shaming them) but otherwise their emotional responses to my blunt rejection are their own responsibility.

You guys might wonder why this is even a thing I’d want to write about, but I don’t think you understand how much pressure us femme types are under to make sure we don’t come off as “rude” or “ungrateful” to these men. These men expect us to consider meeting their needs whether it’s for sex, a relationship, kinky photos, conversation, and so on. If we won’t even “give them a chance” then we are somehow in the wrong and are responsible for making them feel bad. This can lead to angry rants or sullen silence at the least, but it can easily progress to threats, stalking, or even physical violence in some cases.

So to any guys who think I’m a bitch or a cunt because I didn’t respond the way you wanted- please grow up. And I don’t mean that sarcastically. Seriously, start working on your personal growth and stop blaming us for not being interested in you when you’re clearly not ready to meet our needs in a healthy relationship.

Rant over.

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